#4

Apr 13, 2025

For those that haven’t heard, we are pregnant with our fourth child. We didn’t do a big announcement because, well, there are lots of mixed emotions. Especially on my end.

I went back and forth on whether I really wanted to write this post or just keep it stored up. The reason being that I think some people won’t understand. Some may think that I don’t view this child as a blessing, which I do.

I’ve talked before about the strange dichotomy I have experienced between depression and joy. I’ve discussed how many that I talk to have expressed confusion that both of these feelings can coexist. That I can have ultimate joy in Christ and in the future, yet also be struggling with depression.

My feelings on this child have many of the same contrasting yet coexisting feelings. Feelings of joy clashing with feelings of grief.

Ultimately I have chosen to write this because of who I am trying to reach. I am trying to reach men who have lost a child. These men may end up in the situation I am in, which is having another child. I want them to know they aren’t alone if they are feeling bittersweet and perhaps resentful about the pregnancy. I want other guys to know that these feelings are normal and they aren’t a bad dad for feeling this way.

For some of you that feel the need to convince me of something or think I am wrong for my thoughts, maybe don’t read this post. Maybe read the Best Thing You Can Do post prior to reading this one.

This may be one post, it may turn into a series of posts, I have no clue! But here’s where I am at.

Upon finding out that we were pregnant again, the overriding reaction has been anger. Just absolutely ticked off.

Not ticked off at Shelley, not ticked off at the kid, not ticked off that we will have another little one around the house. Children are a blessing, they are like arrows in a warriors quiver.

I am ticked at God. I am FURIOUS at God. And I don’t feel the slightest bit guilty about it.

I didn’t ask for another child. I asked for my son to be healed. I didn’t ask for a replacement child. I asked for a miracle to happen and keep our son on this earth.

In church today we sang Goodness of God. This has been a song that I continue to sing with any conviction and without tears and anger.

ALL my life You have been faithful.

ALL my life You have been good.

Your GOODNESS is RUNNING after me.

I’ve known You as a FRIEND.

All of these things I have wrestled with. What friend takes away another friend’s son? You’ve been good ALL my life? Sure hasn’t felt like it at times. Your GOODNESS is running after me? What is good about this?

Sure good things have resulted from David’s death, I would trade every single thing back for David. I have a good friend named Brandon Gaskin. We have met and gotten close with their family because they experienced the loss of a child as well. We got together one night and both said to each that as much as we have enjoyed being with each other, we’d both completely forget and leave each other if that meant we could get our children back.

Why is it good for my son to die? What good did that do? At least Jesus’ death did good. At least He was gone for only 3 days. I likely won’t be seeing my son again anytime soon. Why is it so ‘good’ that he died instead of him living?

Think of the miracle that would’ve have been! Think of how many people in that hospital that doubt God’s existence that would’ve had to admit to a supernatural healing. Think of the number of people that would have witnessed the power of prayer. How is that not good enough?!

God is good. Yeah, I get it. Doesn’t mean I have to like it. Thank You God for everything, thank You for Your provision, thank You for Your mercy, grace, salvation, love. Thank You for it all. I am absolutely nothing without You.

Yet I am absolutely pissed that You took my son away. I resent You giving me another child that I didn’t ask for instead of healing that one that I begged, pleaded, and cried for You to heal.

A Dad With Grief

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